My Struggle With Faith
Everywhere I look all these people quoting passages straight from Your book.
You'd think I'd see the point, but apparently, I don't.
Letting my thoughts fall deeper into this depression and this negativity that's eating at my soul.
It's like I don't know what foot to step with first
Like it even matters in the first place
My eyes water
Laying flat on my face
I'm beginning to understand this pavement and the patterns I lay and trace
These cracks I see are just a representation of me
A fragile man caught between the hands of life
Strong as steel squeezing harder and they don't think twice
Until I collapse and I crumble
Now I'm huddled in a corner
Second guessing just breathing
These four walls and this ceiling are like a tomb that leaves me reeling
Like an addict trying to shake the horrors of withdrawal
I sit, and I claw for any hope I can call my own
Sad part is I know I'm not alone
I just don't have any faith in myself so why should anyone have faith in me
A silent scream hid behind a smile to deceive
Like the last leaves of autumn, I'll blow away with the breeze
Stuck in a state of prayer down on my knees
But I'm not praying
I'm too unsure of what to say
Too fixated on the things about me that I hate
Too consumed with the thought that It's just too late
Please correct me if I'm wrong
I feel like I'm too far gone
©David L. Lucy II
When I first started going to church, I remember feeling like everyone around me was better than me. That their faith was stronger. That I had so much work to do to be worthy. I was constantly feeling too broken, too unclean to be able to accept God's grace. I wrote this during that time. Through this struggle, I was able to find that we are all broken and that's the point. If I was to think I was somehow perfect then I would be just like the "hypocritical Christians" that drove me from church so many years ago. If you are struggling with feeling too messed up or that you've done too much bad to ever be forgiven, just know you are not alone and that you are worthy. Jesus died exactly for that reason, for a second chance, for a third chance. God is here to lift us up when we fall not always to keep us from falling. This world will batter you and bruise you but in the end God's grace will heal all. Know the Lord, live for the Lord, you are worth it in His eye, you were born with a purpose. I'm praying for you.